Dream

Well, I woke up this morning, after only 4 hours of sleep, with the vague memory of a dream in Portuguese.
Well, not an entire dream, a few sentences, but you have to start somewhere.
Things are getting better all the time. Only sometimes do I feel the emptiness of being thousands of miles from home, and the language is coming, in bits, but coming.
Its strange how irregular it is though. Sometimes I understand everything. Sometimes, (stressing sometimes) people understand what I am talking about. But other times not at all. I suppose that is normal.
I know I've said this a lot of times, but I cant wait to speak. Cant wait.
I cant wait for the moment when I look back on when I arrived here, and dont understand how I could not speak Portuguese in the first place. I cant wait till its more commonplace for me to speak portuguese then english. I cant wait till the phone rings, and my stomach doesn't jump at the idea of answering, or when I order something at a restaurant, the waiter understands, or when I have to translate from portuguese to english. And that day will come, I just have to remember that...through this difficult period.
and it will be so worth it.

Looking up

Today me and my family went to the country club.
I have pictures up on my photo website. (link under 'about me' to the right ->)

I was really nice, a little brown, but August here is supposed to be the driest month of the year, so later, it should be green.
It has not rained once sense I've been here. that is a month. Jeez, I've come to the Brazilian equivalent of New Mexico. I was hoping for a Beach...alas, it is 8 hours away.
The club seemed really cool though. I think that when there are more people, it will be more fun. But they have little apartments that you can stay the weekend in, and areas to do barbecues, which are the best. There is a lake, I dont know what for...people can ride horses, or play volleyball, or swim.. lots of things.
In 2 weeks, me, my family (the entire family...uncles, aunts, cousins), and hopefully a friend of mine will go to the club to stay the whole weekend. 2 nights and 3 days. Its some kind of holiday...dont know what for, but I'm always up for a vacation. :p
The plan is to eat, and play music, and swim, and play games. I cant wait. I know its going to be amazing.

Things here are looking up. I was feeling really horrible this week. I was not looking forward to anything, all I could think about was home, what I was missing, but now...today, all I've had to think about are the amazing things will do here.
I will learn to speak another language, I will learn to live with the customs of another culture, I will learn to play guitar in a new way, I will meet so many friends, and have so many fantastic memories. I will learn about myself, and the world. And I will have more fun then I ever have before.

I went out the the 'aveneda' this weekend with some friends. The whole night, for the most part was Portuguese, and I faired just fine. I understood most of the time what people were talking about, and I had a really good time. I think the issue has been that I have not incorporated into Brazil yet, but I can feel it starting to happen. Once I am learned in their ways, I will be free to have one of the best years of my life.
I am really looking forward to it now.

One Month Today

As I go on, things just seem to get harder.
Already I know myself better. Already I know the world better... its people better.
But its been hard.
Especially this week. I have been missing home a lot. Its weird to know that everyone is living on, without me, and me without them, Its lonely.

Today is a month. A month away from home, a month lost, a month found.
I'm beginning to understand what people are talking about, which is the first step to speaking. I can say simple things, but I always feel like a complete mess when I'm trying to talk. I think that in 2 more months, I will speak well. I hope, because that is when my exchange year can finally start, and I think that I need to have some sort of intellectual connection...

I spend a lot of time here in solitude, trying to figure things out. There are so many feelings and so many thoughts going through me. I dont know what to do anymore. I am physically exhausted, as well as mentally, and sometimes I just want to give up. I dont want to try to understand anymore, I dont want any more newness, I just want to hold up in my room, lost in something familiar...a book or some music, but shutting myself up only prolongs the discomfort. So I tire myself with trying.

I dont think I knew how much strength this would take. But I've just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Its strange here, because I keep getting frusterated with the situation, I keep telling myself that I should be doing better, trying harder, that I'm failing. But now I'm discovering my limits. I feel like I'm losing my childish innocence. I'm realizing I am not able to do everything all the time, all though I know I can do a lot. I am realizing that things take time. Where in New Mexico things came easy..here things take so much work. everything takes so much work. and i'm getting stronger, I'm gaining perspective. Everyday. Getting stronger, learning..language, myself, the world.
Oh, its been so hard. But I would not trade this for anything. I know I'm going to look back on this year knowing that I spent my time in the best way possible even if it is not as fond of a memory as I had expected. Easy was the thing that I hated in New Mexico. Easy is nothing. This is something.

Update (homesick)

Its been a while sense my last blog...
So what have I been up to?
Well, I went to the concert of the famous Brazilian singer. It was really really fun. Different from concerts in the US. Everyone was jumping and dancing and there were so many people. Like 10,000. I was out till...4am one night and 2am the next night of the festival, which were actually early hours for this part of the world. People here go out so much later then in the US, and they stay out a lot later too. People go out at 9 or 10pm and stay out till 3 or 4 am. If its a concert, 6am is normal. Its going to take some getting used to...but I do indeed like it.
Night has something about it nice about it...maybe because its not so freaking hot.
god its hot here. Its like...35 degrees C now, and its winter. I have no idea what summer is going to be like. Probably pretty bad. But there is the country club to go to and swim at.

My host sister left for the US 3 days ago. She went by bus all the way to Sao Paulo and took a flight from there to the US. Her parents went along for part of the trip, so my host brother and I spent the weekend at "grandma's" house. It was nice. A lot of eating, and resting. I really needed some relax time. I think this weekend was my first free weekend in Brazil.
So now that my host sister is gone, I'm without English in my house. For the most part. My host dad and brother both speak a little bit, but not enough to hinder me learning Portuguese. Which is really good.
I've begun to understand a lot of things in Portuguese. If people speak at a reasonable speed, I know generally what they are talking about, and now in school, if I really listen, I can catch some things. Its better then at first, when I understood absolutely nothing.
Today in school I had redacão, which is writing class, and the teacher gave me a paper to read. This is a little stupid, but I completely understood the 2 sentences of directions to complete the paper! the story was way over my head. But you've got to start somewhere. Its coming along.
I'm pretty freaking sick of not understanding. Today I got really mad and upset in school, about not being able to understand. I feel helpless. And I know that learning another language is not something that comes quickly. I must have patience. And I keep thinking that I'm failing because i've gone a month, and still dont speak. But that considering i came to Brazil knowing just about nothing, I'm doing well.
I really have to try hard to understand, sometimes I dont want to try anymore. I miss being able to just understand things. I miss communication being natural. But what an accomplishment will it be to be able to speak another language?

Tomorrow is a month...its strange, because at first, like the first week, felt so long. It felt like a month, but now that a month has passed, it feels like i've been here for 2 weeks...more or less. It feels like a long time sense I was at home, but...a short time here...sort of. I've been through so much, I have not had any time to be board, so maybe that is why it feels so strange...agh, I cant express my concept of time here. It just feels weird. unreal.

This weekend was a cultural festival in my city called festival do agosto. I went both friday and saturday night. Pretty much it was a festival to eat. There were a bunch of traditional foods from Minas Gerais and music, and some traditional dancing, also a lot of people. I wish I had taken my camera, I just hesitate to carry anything valuable.

I'm trying to figure out if the crime here is really as bad as people say. Because at this point, I dont carry my Ipod or camera around with me, I always hold my purse tight when walking around in the city, that is if I even dare to take a purse, and I avoid going in a lot of areas. I have yet to see someone get something stolen, or know someone that has been stolen from. But I think that I am probably somewhat of a target here. I dont look Brazilian, in fact I look very American, and that nationality is associated with wealth. Majorly. I suppose I just will figure that out with time, but I will always be careful. I may be a little paranoid though.

My host dad has told me that Brazil is a third world country. I suppose it is true, but I was thinking it was not that bad. Now that I'm here I suppose I could see that it is in some parts. Certain parts of Brazil are very nice. For example in Sao Paulo, there are not a lot of poor people, and not a lot of crime. There, many of the homes dont have walls around them like here. My host dad told me today that a few of the cities in Minas Gerais are considered to be the poorest in the world. Poorest in the World. that is....baffling. I mean, jeez, that has got to be really really poor. He said that sometime soon he will take me and my host brother to see those cities, which i know will be upsetting, and something that i will not want to see, but it will be good for me to know, for real, what it is like. Not from the news or other people, but first hand, what poverty is.

Honestly, I miss the wealth of the US. I miss my cities comforts. Streets that are level, buildings that are well kept. Big public parks. Here the streets are a mess. Always. really unorganized. The other day I was walking on the sidewalk at night, and walked into a random hole on the sidewalk, and got my foot stuck. Just an example. Soon I'll do a tour of the city and take a bunch of pictures to give you guys an idea of what it is like.
But dont get me wrong. I love the city. Its very different, its Brazilian. I can't really compare the 2 places because they are completely different.
I think that I'm going to love Brazil a lot. I'll not want to come back when it is time, and seeing the organization of American cities will just feel stale to me. Here, the city has a lot of culture. The people don't fit the city, the city fits its people. But I still miss Albuquerque. A lot.

I've been having a lot of nostalgia lately. For friends, family, home...a few times in the past few days, all i've wanted is to be home, in my bed, or with my friends driving around town, or having coffee in the morning at home...i miss the normality of life in the US. I miss my comfort. Here, I have none. I'm out of place, I dont speak the language, people have no idea who I am, I just stumble through life here, trying desperately to communicate, unable to. Unaccustomed to everything. I think I'm mostly just tired of newness. There is so much.
I need normality to set in. I've got to speak before that happens...so another month at least, and then I will not want to go home anymore.
It's never crossed my mind to go home. In reality. I've wanted to, for sure, but I've never seriously thought about it. From the moment I knew I was going, I told myself I was not coming home. I told myself I was going to be strong. I know I'm strong enough, I know I can do this, I always knew I could do it. I knew it would be hard, but i know how going good it will be for me. I know that this will be one of the things that I grow from the most in my life. Change is never easy...Good things never come easy, so this should be really really good.

I think that this is where I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is going to prepare me for whatever is to come.
I will be so strong, I will be so rounded, so aware of the world around me when I come back. I will actually know things. There is a difference between actually knowing and hearing about...learning second hand is far less real.
I will know about the world's size, its people. I will know so many things. i cant wait to look back on this 20/20 knowing that the hard times were nothing compared to what I learned and how much I changed and grew. For the better.

My homesickness...is ridiculous. I know, absolutely, that if I was in New Mexico now, I would not be happy. And a year spent here, even if it is really difficult, even if I dont get as much out of it as I expect, I will have spent my year in the best way possible. I dont think there is anything I could be doing now more productive then this. In complete honesty. And that was the thing about New Mexico that I hated. More so, the thing about school that I hated. Because it was not New Mexico that I hated. In fact, I realized from being here, how much I love New Mexico. But in school, I always felt like I could be doing something better. That thought has never never crossed my mind here. I was not challenged at all there. it was the norm. This is so not the norm

Progress

It's still a roller coaster of emotions here. But at this moment, I'm very excited.

Yesterday I went with my school to a country club in my city. It was beautiful, and a lot of fun. on the bus rides to and from the school, everyone was singing and playing instruments. So much fun.
People here are so much warmer. I suppose it has something to do with the climate...but I know that is going to be one of the things I will miss a lot when I go back to the states.
Here its not weird to say hello to someone you recognize, even if you dont know their name, or exactly who they are. Its normal to kiss on the cheek and give a hug to people you just met. It's normal to invite people to your home, to sing, to dance, to be happy...
I met a girl from Germany yesterday, who said that at first she was not liking the city and her family and these things so much when she arrived, but now, after 5 months in Montes Claros, she does not want to leave. She said she will miss the warmth of the people, and the music, and everything.
Even though Brazil is unstable, even though its poor and a mess, its charming.
The girl from Germany said that after 2 months she could understand almost everything and speak for the most part, and I think that I'm already off to a pretty good start, so in 1 month, I think I will understand almost everything and speak somewhat.

Not speaking has been the most difficult thing for me. Sometimes I feel completely alone, in a place where the customs are different, with no hope of communication. It's difficult, but I knew it would be and I'll get through it. Once I can speak, my exchange year will actually start. Once people here know who I am, what I'm about, and I'm known as Sommer, not the American exchange student, things will be easier, more real.

But today, I went to the mall for a little while with one of my host sisters friends, who doesn't speak english, and I understood majority of the questions she asked me and could respond for the most part. My portuguese is better then it was, that's encouraging.

Today there is a huge music festival in my city. There are supposed to be at least 10,000 people there. Its going to last for 2 days, and the most famous singer in brazil (Ivete Sangalo if you want to check her out) is playing. Its going to be amazing. the music here is so much fun. In the US, when you go to concerts, for the most part, you go and listen and maybe dance a little. but here, the music...you cant help but want to dance, its so up beat and fun, and everyone loves to dance, so I know that this concert is going to be amazing. I'm very excited to go. very very.

More to come,
amo
Sommer

I got home last night at 3am from a weekend trip to Belo Horizonte (the largest city in Minas Gerais) with my host family.
Once again, I'm exhausted.
We left Montes Claros at 7pm on friday night, and arrived into our hotel at about...2am. The hotel was beautiful. Right down town, very nice. At 7am I had to be up to go to my host sisters rotary orientation. It was boring, but it was good for me to go, because I got to meet a bunch of other exchange students in Minas Gerais. There are 5 in my city from Poland, Denmark, Finland, Germany, and Canada. They are all very cool, and i'm looking forward to knowing them.
The next day we spent at the feira, which is like a giant open market. Huge huge huge. You can pretty much find anything you want, and its very cheap. It was really crowded, but fun anyway. After the feira, i went with my host family to their family's house in Belo Horizonte...I so wish I could understand portuguese, and talk to people, but it still just sounds like noise...not as much as it used to... I'm able to recognize words for the most part, now it is just a matter of vocab.
For most of the night I was bored, and a little despondent. Its difficult to be in a home full of people all enjoying each other, and not be a part of it. They tried to include me, and I tried to understand what was going on and be a part of it, but I can't speak.
Soon I will speak. one more month, and I'll be ok. For now its hard, but it is so completely worth it.

Strange Thing Called Life.

I can feel myself falling into the rhythm here.
The language is coming along. Slowly, but everyday I learn and can speak and understand more. I'm so excited to finally speak.
Everyone is nice here. I was worried about school, but there was no reason. Everyone is very nice to me, and they ask me questions and things like that.
I think that things are starting to calm down, which is very very good. I am still exhausted most the time, but the coffee is good and plenty, and now I have some time to catch up on sleep and think about some things.

What I've done is so crazy. But from the beginning I wanted to do it. I know I can handle it, and that I will love it and grow from it, and even though right now it is hard, it will get better, and I will learn a language, and a new culture and new people, and be busy. Which is what I love.

As most young people, I am antsy, curious. I want to see the world I live in, and I want to know it. I want to look at a map and know what the people in any country are like. Not because I learned about it from a book, but because I was there, and saw and felt and tasted it. Only then will I know that I've lived my life. When I can say that I know the world I live in. Even though we are only here for a short time. I want my time to be spent learning about people, and what they do and create, and how we are different and the same.

Going away from my home, for the first time, alone, will allow me to be anyone I want to be. With that opportunity, I will find who I am. There are no pre-conceived ideas about who I am. I am me. Only me, and I dont completely know who that is, but this is a huge step towards knowing. I'm excited about what is to come.

We should not be confined to the small worlds that are our homes. All though there is a time and a place for home, there is also a time and a place for expansion. I needed to see. Just see.
who I am, what I am, and where I am. We are so small. yet, in ourselves, we are able to do so much, and understand and help and change things.

I want to change things.
I want to learn
I want to have this strange thing we call life down pat.

School.

Well, today was my first day of school.
Last night it was very very hard for me to fall asleep. I was thinking and thinking about school and what it was going to be like, if the kids would like me...all that stuff.
I had to wake up at 6, and I probably fell asleep at 12:30...so I was not running on much sleep.
But I got to the school. I had been there before, to register, but I had not been in the school yet.
It is a Catholic school, all ages. So the 1000 people that I thought would be my age, are in fact, mostly 5 year olds. Which is kind of disappointing.

But anyway, the not speaking Portuguese thing...not going so great. I was trying to figure out where I needed to go with my host mom, and how to get everything in order, but communication is so hard!
Im getting better at speaking, slowlllllly. Soon-ish (a month) I will know more or less how to say things. I'm so excited to finally be able to speak. It will be so much easier.

Finally, once things were figured out at school (they had an english teacher come and help) My host mom and one of the receptionists at the school walked me to my class. I'm in the upper story of the school, at the very end of a hall. I arrived a little late into the class, so I felt awkward trying to find a seat. Everyone had already found a seat. But I sat down on the fringes of the class, and was introduced to everyone by the teacher, who said "this is sommer, she is from america, she does not speak portuguese, be nice to her"(in portuguese of course). After I was introduced to the class, a group of girls in the center of the class called me over to sit with them. I would call them my friends now, they showed me the school today, and talked to me...or tried to talk to me.
I kept my portuguese/english dictionary very close to me all day, and I've started a notebook of words to remember, and the dictionary is very very useful.

School here is different. All the students stay in the same room all day. One classroom. and the teachers move. Very strange. The first period of the day....I dont even know what class it was. haha. I could not understand anything, and everyone was asking me questions and it was crazy. But I was not able to associate the subject the teacher was teaching with anything.
My second class was biology. I could understand the majority of what was going on. Probably because science words dont really change between languages. DNA is still DNA and prokaryote is still the same. So I was thinking 'hey! I can speak portuguese!!' haha!
Then "lunch" came, which is like a snack/break time. I was trying to talk with people, mainly the girls from the class, and it was difficult (so much for thinking i could speak), but we were able to communicate for the most part. If people are patient with me and speak really really slowly, I can usually understand.
After "lunch" we went back to class, the next lesson was portuguese. agh. hardddddd. I pretty much have given up on trying to understand what they are talking about subject wise, and just concentrate on learning the language.
The portuguese teacher is very good at communication, so most of the time I knew what he was talking about. Conjugating verbs mostly, but advanced.

After that, school was out for the day. I think that is not normal...usually there is another period and then you go home from lunch, but today, 4th period teachers were not there or something.
So I got out of school at like 11:10am. Pretty sweet.
Normally I'll get out at 12:00 and then go home to eat lunch...do homework. hopefully I'll have good friends soon, and I can go out in the afternoon with them too.

Overall, school was fine. I had really no reason to worry about it. the kids are nice, there aren't many my age, but that is ok. I will meet other people other places.

While I was waiting for my host dad to come get me at school, the kids from the other school got out, so all of them were walking past. Already I recognize some people, and some of them stopped to say hello.
So I saw a boy named Hanns, he speaks perfect english (he went on an exchange last year to the US). and his friend that I met in the mall real quick. Also a few of Thandara's (host sister) friends.
People here are nice. I think I'll find friends soon. I already have some.
I'm very excited about meeting people at my art school. They should be neat. I dont know when I start that, but hopefully soon.

So now, I suppose normality sets in.
thank god.